Blue Was Blue

Wake-up feel: -7.

First sound at 3:50 — birds. Went back to sleep. Up at 5:30, body and mind wanting to stay horizontal. Then the sun, already over the horizon. Got up. Exercises. Out.

Frost on the road between the Bodden and the rapeseed fields. Moon in Capricorn since 07:00 — a Root day. The air had the quality that comes only with frost: crystal clear, each colour in its own place, separate from everything else. Blue was blue. Yellow was yellow. Green was green. Brown was brown.

The swans were scattered across the Bodden, each one in its place.

Two small birds flew out of the bush in front of me and landed on the road. A third came to join them. They flew around me and went on their way. The sound of the birds, the rapeseed, the Bodden — the landscape this morning was joyful.

The last weeks were preparation. A farmer spends weeks preparing the field before he sows — and when he puts the seed in the ground, the real work begins. Not controlling what grows. Working with it. Attending to the conditions. Toward a harvest.

I walked thinking about love. About trust. About why I built what I built between myself and those I loved most.

In my youth I was deeply in love. The kind that has no calculation in it. One day I came home and my mother told me she had died in an accident.

I went out to the forest. I cried. I came home with the grief in my chest.

Maybe I never let it go. Maybe since then I have not let anyone get close enough — not completely, not the last distance — out of a fear so old it had no name until this morning.

Root day.

Today I will light a candle.

Day 44 — Phase 7 — Word — Bladder — Onyx — Book of Job
Gut Nisdorf, Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, Baltic Coast
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